Funny Quotes – That Guarantee A Laugh

Are you looking for some funny quotes and sayings?

Here is an epic collection of short funny quotes that will make you laugh, plus they are easy to remember!

Funny Quotes To Get A Laugh

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” – Carl Sandburg

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable.” – Clare Boothe Luce

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – Edgar Bergen

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” – Oscar Wilde

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.” – George Burns

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.” – Herb Caen

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.” – Joan Collins

“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on, I go into another room and read a good book.” – Groucho Marx

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” – Mae West

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.” – Woody Allen

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” – Mark Twain

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.” – Will Rogers

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal

“I never said most of the things I said.” – Yogi Berra

“The only time to be positive you’ve got a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff.” – Sydney Harris

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” – Robin Williams

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

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