Funny Quotes – That Guarantee A Laugh

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” – Carl Sandburg

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable.” – Clare Boothe Luce

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – Edgar Bergen

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” – Oscar Wilde

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.” – George Burns

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.” – Herb Caen

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.” – Joan Collins

“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on, I go into another room and read a good book.” – Groucho Marx

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” – Mae West

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” – Phyllis Diller

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.” – Woody Allen

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” – Mark Twain

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.” – Will Rogers

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal

“I never said most of the things I said.” – Yogi Berra

“The only time to be positive you’ve got a clear path is when you’re on the edge of a cliff.” – Sydney Harris

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” – Robin Williams

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres