30 of The Funniest Quotes Ever
Here is a collection of some of the funniest quotes ever!
Humor is a great way to lighten the mood and make us feel good.
That’s why funny quotes can be so great – they provide us with a quick and easy way to get a laugh and feel better.
It can also be a powerful tool for coping with difficult situations. Fair warning though: pick your audience!
There are all sorts of funny quotes out there, which range from the crude, witty, dark and sarcastic quotes – but some are definitely funnier than others.
Here are 30 of the funniest quotes we could find:
Funniest Quotes Ever
“What if the ‘Hokey Pokey’ really is what it’s all about?” Unknown
“I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.” Steven Wright
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” Will Ferrell
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” Paula Poundstone
“My life needs editing.” Mort Sahl
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” Mark Twain
“Finally, my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.” Unknown
“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” Leslie Nielsen
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” Mark Twain
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” Mitch Hedberg
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” W. C. Fields
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” Rodney Dangerfield
Really Funny Quotes
“This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.” Oscar Wilde
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.” Steven Wright
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” Winston S. Churchill
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” George Carlin
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” Jimmy Kimmel
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” Steven Wright
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” Phyllis Diller
“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.” Tommy Cooper
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” George Carlin
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” Mae West
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” Mitch Hedberg
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” Jerome K. Jerome
“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.” Mitch Hedberg
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” Jack Handey
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” Mark Twain
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” Don Marquis
We hope you got a few laughs from these. For more funny quotes and sayings, be sure to check out:
