Steven Wright Quotes & Funny One-Liners

This collection of quotes by Steven Wright are hilarious and entertaining. They are short, to the point and can leave you with further intriguing questions on life…

Who is Steven Wright?

Steven Wright is a stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his deadpan delivery and absurdist humor.

He has released several comedy albums, written for film and television, done countless voiceovers, and been awarded an Oscar Academy Award. 

Why read Steven Wright’s quotes and one-liners?

Steven Wright is a unique and clever comedian whose humor often comes from his use of absurd and nonsensical statements.

His one-liner quotes are often funny because they play with words and language, and because they are non-sequiturs. 

If you are looking for a good laugh, or some clever and thought-provoking quotes, then you will enjoy reading through this collection of Steven Wright’s best sayings.


Steven Wright Quotes


What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright


I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright


Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright


If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven Wright


I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright


Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. Steven Wright


If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. Steven Wright


I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So, I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright


Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright


All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand. Steven Wright


When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’ Steven Wright


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright


Is it weird in here, or is it just me? Steven Wright


If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright


I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. Steven Wright


I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it. Steven Wright



If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright


Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. Steven Wright


I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright


I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. Steven Wright


I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright


I saw a bank that said, ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time. Steven Wright


I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. Steven Wright


I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Steven Wright


On the other hand, you have different fingers. Steven Wright


When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually. Steven Wright


I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? Steven Wright


My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’ Steven Wright


I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. Steven Wright


I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious! Steven Wright


For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Steven Wright


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Steven Wright


Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. Steven Wright


My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Steven Wright


I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. Steven Wright


Steven Wright One Liners


Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Steven Wright


Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. Steven Wright


I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. Steven Wright


If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright


I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about. Steven Wright


OK, so what’s the speed of dark? Steven Wright


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  Steven Wright


The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. Steven Wright


If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts. Steven Wright


When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Steven Wright


If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? Steven Wright


I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. Steven Wright


Funniest ever quotes


Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. Steven Wright



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